On postponing happiness for the future
If stress is my default reaction to every single problem or minor inconvenience, then I will feel that way no matter where I am in life.
While washing the dishes, I tend to daydream into oblivion about everything and anything. This morning my daydreams were more grounded into the future; my hopes and aspirations of how I want my future life to look like.
My goal is to move out this year. It's a very delusional and ambitious dream since I'm currently unemployed with a few hundred bucks in my bank account and no savings. But I'm set on doing everything I can (with the exception of getting a job lol) in terms of earning money doing what I love.
A passing thought came to me saying "If I move out I'd be so much happier."
I paused, rewinded the thought, and wondered... "Why?"
Why do I think I will be happier in the future? Why is there a condition to my happiness and stress? Can I not be truly happy right now? Is today not worth being happy about?
I listed all of my current stress in the present. I'm broke. I have no source of income because I don't feel like an adult while I'm living with my parents. They never taught me how to be independent. I don't know how to do anything by myself and I can't learn anything as long as I'm with them. I want to feel free. I'm depressed. Because I've been rotting in my room for three years and counting, stuck with undiagnosed mental illnesses that prevent me from functioning like a normal productive human being. I can't escape my own death bed.
But then I started thinking... My money problems right now will not go away once I'm I have my own apartment. In fact, I'm sure it'll be worse! Since I will be paying everything out of my own pocket instead of leeching from my parents. I'm sure the stress will be 10x grander.
Alright, so in this hypothetical scenario, let's say that money stops becoming a problem in the future. I have a stable career, a cat, a "happy simple life."
Does that guarantee a life of uninterrupted happiness?
Since realistically we all know shit comes and goes and problems will always knock on the door, what happens then?
Relationship issues, physical issues, depression and mental health struggles, unforeseen circumstances, economic crisis, global and societal issues. The list goes on and on.
My depression isn't going anywhere. The bottomless pit of existential dread will stay with me until my brain rots to the ground.
If I started living alone in my own apartment, what about messy kitchens? cleaning bathrooms? fixing broken shit? moving big furniture around? spills you have no idea how to clean? infestations? landlord issues?
If I become a content creator/influencer in the future, what about negative comments? bad press? trolls? slow growth? decreasing audience? social media pressure? toxic metrics?
If I become a business owner, what about delays? complaints? angry customers? returns and refunds? wrong products? bad press? issues? paperwork? taxes?
These are all sources of stress, no matter how "ideal" they may look like. There will always be a bad day in my lifespan as long as I'm alive. What happens now?
Life will continue happening no matter what you do. Shit will continue coming no matter where you are in life. It's up to you how you react to it.
Happiness does not live in the future. You can't even guarantee it will come then.
I think I take a lot of things for granted without realizing.
I continue thinking about how I can get a better life in the future without realizing I'm living the dreams my 11 year old me could only dream of. I keep wishing for more; limiting myself from feeling satisfied enough by placing never-ending conditions on what it means to be content.
I am in a place that the past me wished for; A place the "future me" is living in right now.
And I think that's something worth being happy about.