scraps from the drafts
unfinished thoughts, incomplete sentences, and unexpressed feelings
On streaming & chasing highs
adrenaline rushing through my veins, flooding my entire bloodstream. Heart palpitating. Body aching; craving.
I want it.
And I haven’t wanted something this badly in a long time.
matter Of fact, I need it.
I want it more than anything else right now. I can barely rest or have a good night sleep. My mind is drowning with desires. The thoughts, the plans, the ideas.
I feel closer than I’ve ever been, more motivated than I ever was.
I’m about to reach it. I’m about to achieve it.
I’ve never felt more confident that I’m walking the right path.
The last day of being a bad daughter
“It’s okay today is the last day” I thought to myself as I listened to my dad’s loud voice and sharp words reprimanding about how I haven’t prepared enough.
He’s not wrong. My bedroom floor barely has any space to walk through and yet somehow it feels like nothing has been done.
—
In this house, saying I love you is embarrassing.
Showing affection is awkward.
Working hard was my father’s love language. Grit. Perseverance. Sacrifice. Being able to provide was how he showed us he loved us.
My dad talks about my mom to us all the time. How she’s suffering.
Sometimes I wished he could grant that gentleness with us too. I wonder if that’s too much to ask.
—
The guilt in my bloodstream has thinned my blood it might as well be water.
I am a bad daughter.
—
As my final act of selfishness,
I will finally disappear from this house.
I will stop being a parasite.
In my delusions, I will make so much money that I can retire my parents and they’ll never have to worry about a single cent in their life. They can rest and go anywhere they want.
I learned to love just like my father.