personal reflections on a Thursday afternoon
I woke up feeling extremely fatigued today, as if there were solid heavy rocks crushing its weight on my shoulders as soon as I gained consciousness. It completed ruined my momentum of getting up around 7AM to do my morning routine and completely obliterated the mental schedule I prepared last night (I was super excited to do so many things yesterday). I gave in to my exhaustion and took another nap where I woke up at 9:30 (so late!). I felt a little guilty and saddened by the loss of time, but despite all that I was still able to accomplish my postponed routine - ate breakfast, walked on the treadmill, and washed dishes. I felt proud and gave myself a worthy pat on the back. Slowly we're becoming more resilient to small, unexpected changes.
However, it still doesn't change the fact that I have less time to do all the things I wanna do now. I planned a whole day where I draw in the morning and play in the afternoon/evening, but now it's 1:30PM and don't know what to prioritize. I want to redraw all my emotes, continue drawing apex emotes, draw a new illustration, practice my aim, play osu, play apex, record a vlog, and stream... not to mention I have other scheduled tasks with a weekly deadline (my main project, which I haven't started by the way...). It's a little stressful, but I'm trying my best not to get let it get to me. I'm trying to be calm and accepting; I know once I give in to the stress I'll be gone for the rest of the week wallowing in self-pity and existential crisis.
The difficult part about all of this is the resurgence of my gaming addiction. I've known for awhile that I have this particular never-ending cycle when it comes to gaming (or more specifically, Apex). It all starts when I play Apex after a long while of not doing so. I get a certain rush and addiction, making me obsess over my own performance, leading me to a strong desire to get better and grind the game, but once I do play more and grind a little I get extremely exhausted and burned out, causing me to take another long hiatus, which after awhile I end up getting bored and booting up the game once again, and the cycle repeats itself.
This pattern gets a little problematic in the middle stages - the obsession and addiction. The constant random urge to get better after a bad performance (since I don't play often) never lasts long and only leads to extreme burn out, causing me to resent playing, and a toxic love-hate relationship is formed.
I'm in that stage once again, and it's exhausting.
Aside from the complicated and tiring emotions it brings, it also takes up the time I should be using for other more "important" activities that I'm trying to get back into like reading, writing, and making art. My days are now split in half once again, where I try to do something productive in the morning and spend my afternoons streaming and playing. I'm trying to find a good balance, but I still sometimes regret not having enough time during the day for everything I want to do.
It doesn't help that I recently realized scheduling something (a habit or activity) in the middle of the day is 10x more difficult than planning the morning after I wake up or the night before I go to sleep. It's the whole reason I stopped making schedules and planning my days ahead. I used to schedule my days to the T, materialize the exact times I'd start working and streaming. But once I set something to stone my body resists with all of its power, leaving me helpless, unproductive, and feeling worthless; wondering if there's anything wrong with me. It just never worked.
Freestyling the day is the way to go; it's the most effective solution for someone like me, a person who has so much she wants to do but can't decide or pick just one. I give myself a list of tasks that I must do within the week and let myself decide what I'm feeling in that moment. It helps give me a sense of freedom and control, allowing for a structured spontaneity.
I've learned to develop a consistent "morning routine" however, a little less impulsive than before, but I find that it's simply easier to develop habits in the morning where you mind is a fresh blank slate, or at night when your mind is ready to rest and relax. Planning daily hobbies and consistent activities in the middle of the day/afternoon is going to be the biggest challenge yet for me and my new lifestyle, and I'm not really ready..
There's so many things I'm learning and reflecting upon today that I end up using my time to blog instead, which goes to show that journaling and writing my thoughts is my most important priority compared to drawing or streaming. I'll be contemplating about a lot of things, and hopefully I find some resolve or solace in my mind. Wish me luck.