On to new beginnings (and the shit that comes with it)
The gentle breeze filled my nose with nostalgia; that's how I knew spring was coming.
I love the idea of new beginnings, so much so that I do it abruptly anytime I feel like doing it. From my online presence and identity, to my room and physical environment, I love starting over and over (although it fucks over my progress over time. It's a double edged sword). As the snow melts on the ground and spring arrives, I think this is the perfect time to begin a new chapter.
But along with this mindset of new beginnings comes a desire for new "things."
Whenever I see my mom in the kitchen after her work, she would comment about how I look (I stay at home all day so I only wear my home clothes), how my clothes are all worn out and that it's time to replace them. It gets a little annoying sometimes, how they would often criticize the things I wear and sometimes I wonder if they're projecting their perfectionism onto me or if it's just some sort of good etiquette thing that I must have: to look prim and proper or "lady-like" all the time so people don't look down on me. I honestly don't know how to feel about it.
But what I do know is that I am due for a wardrobe overhaul. All of my home clothes are old, more than half of my pajamas have some sort or tear or splash of paint and other stains. I've been wanting to buy new clothes for quite awhile now, but the thing is... it's hard to start fresh when you're broke.
Having no money or job really makes it difficult to navigate anything at all. I've halted my biggest source of income online a few months ago, and I've been inactive on every other social platform as well so I have absolutely no money coming in my bank account lately. I feel stuck, especially now that I'm diving into another territory that I'm unsure about and don't have any skill at. I have no idea what direction I'm taking with my career path and life in general anymore, and sometimes it scares me.
This new beginning is scary.
Throwing away everything I've ever accomplished to start another life is scary (and kinda crazy if you ask me). Granted I'm not completely getting rid of my past activities fully, but I'm still taking steps with a blindfold on as I hike up in the mountains. The uncertainty and doubts will surely keep eating me away... but I'll keep walking.
I want to see where this new road takes me. It may be rocky and the fall will definitely be painful from the heights I'm trying to reach, but I know the air up there is fresh, and the view will be breathtaking - I'm sure it'll all be worth it in the end.
(And by the end of the struggles I hope I can finally get some pretty new clothes lol)