I chose a slow, happy life at the expense of my financial stability, and let me tell you it is so fucking expensive.

The past month of blogging has been cathartic and mentally liberating. I feel healthier and more aligned with myself, I’m getting my shit together, and I’m figuring things out in a slow but steady pace. But all of these wonderful self realizations and discoveries were not free. In fact, it is a luxury I genuinely can’t afford, and the loans I’ve accumulated are all coming back to bite my ass.

I’ve been taking my time with myself as I turn a blind eye into all the urgencies surrounding me. Like putting on my earphones to block the external noises from the outside, which isn’t really a good thing to do when you’re driving 120 on a highway. Day by day, I take my time like I was a princess tending to her luscious green garden in an apocalyptic world, ignoring the fact that the world has gone to shit and everyone is dead.
Like they say, ignorance is bliss, but I’m only feigning ignorance while being completely aware that my whole life is falling apart so can I really say I’m truly happy?

I have been unemployed for as long as I can remember after graduating university, only taking one seasonal part time job in between to keep me afloat for another year of desperately trying to make something of myself. Every now and then I would always catch my bank account doing silly lil things like going down, or my debit matching numbers with my credit card. My parents are extremely worried for me, and my brother is confused how I’m even still alive.

In all honesty, I feel like I’m financially on life support. I’ve never told anyone - not my friends nor family. No one knows about my financial situation (other than you now) because I’m afraid and ashamed. Afraid of what will happen, and ashamed that it did. I want to believe that I can eventually get through this in due time, after all I’m still young and have all the time in the world.. but my parents don’t.

I don’t know what to do anymore or how to proceed. I left my previous online gig that made quite a bit of money because of a change of heart and moral philosophies. And along with these new ethics and lifestyle changes, the options for online business ventures shrink more and more until there’s barely anything to do left. The things that make good money on the internet require certain personality traits and tactics that one must tolerate if they wish to be successful, but none of them align with my beliefs and principles anymore, and forcing myself to continue trying will only ruin everything I’ve built so far. What’s there left to do?

I wanted to be something more than just a girl on the internet, but apparently it’s not that easy.
Is there a way for me to earn really good money without lying, deceiving anyone, or being stupid online? Without being annoying, polarizing, or insufferable? Without selling your body, your dignity, or your soul? Is there a place for anything meaningful in this numb, apathetic world?

I’ve worked so hard to build my peace only to watch it slowly crumble down from all the external forces of stress and existential dread. It’s such a curse to be this allergic to fame and fortune.

If eternal financial suffering is the price of free and happier life, then I’m quite doomed to be in debt forever. My free trial in this life has long expired, perhaps I’ve overstayed my welcome.

Maybe I should just unsubscribe.