On obsessing over the idea of creating art
I often find myself daydreaming in the perspective of how others see me.
A cool internet creator with lots of labels attached. An illustrator, a developer, a designer, a storyteller, a streamer, a Youtuber, an influencer.. The list goes on.
But I'm none of those. I was, maybe for a glimpse of a moment, but right now I am nothing but an empty hallow shell of everyone I want to become.
Over the past three years of rotting in my own flesh, I've been in love with the idea of creating art. In my head I was someone; A person that people love. A character on the internet that can do anything she wants. Just thinking about working, drawing, being productive, doing whatever was enough for me to feel "satisfied" enough to not pursue it in real time. It's like being full just by watching someone eat; the thought of doing it fulfilled whatever dopamine kick I was lacking at any given time.
I was living in my own head; trapped in my own delusions.
And for a long time I was in this dangerous high mental state of instant gratification hits like crack through vivid daydreams.. that is up until this year where I finally woke up from my own coma.
I've been taking one step at a time ever since.
It all started in the middle of January with a few videos I found on Youtube about productivity and a small project formed from 2023's final moments of promises: taking snippets each day and making reels out of it. I was successful in forming a habit for a whole month that my confidence boost went up and it felt good; like I could do anything I set my mind to now. Using the tools and mindset that I've acquired from the lessons while also living intentionally and mindful of what I do with my time, I set out once again on pursuing my dreams (this time with actual hands-on).
So the next month I tried it the same formula, starting with a new project this time which turned out to be coding. I've always dreamed of being a cool programmer/developer, and now that I'm trying to apply for jobs in my field, I decided it'd be a great way to showcase my skills and create a portfolio (hitting two birds in one stone). So this year I sat my ass down and downloaded visual studio code, opened a tutorial video on youtube, and started typing, and boy oh boy does it feel so fucking good. Getting lost and confused and learning along the way was such an amazing experience that I felt a rush of happiness in the moment; a better feeling than the fleeting satisfaction I got from daydreaming. The messy and imperfect reality of doing something (and failing at it) provided me with intense relief and catharsis; a small sense of accomplishment that comes with checking off a box in the checklist. I slowly fell in love with coding again.
While I haven't really finished my portfolio and am currently taking a break from it, I still plan on completing it sometime in the next few months. March has arrived, and I got a lot of other plans in store that I want to try out. I know that it's not good to start so many projects at once because I might not finish anything, but I've been living in my head for years that putting out anything, even if I don't finish it, is ultimately better than doing nothing at all.
So I will continue trying out this method for as long as I have the energy to, and we'll see what happens from there.