on moving forward
Yesterday I finally got my ass up and went to the doctor to get a referral for an ADHD assessment. I cut ties (in my head) with our family doctor; declaring he was garbage at his job to my parents (because he really was), though this walk-in doctor I go to now doesn’t seem any better. Every time I visit feels like a speedrun. Our conversation never lasts more than 2 minutes in that fucking room. He comes in, ask me what’s wrong, my timid ass tries to do a TL;DR, and he walks away with a random advice or referral. To be fair, at least he has given me referrals to the lab and shit (how I found out I have iron deficiency lol). But it still doesn’t feel like he gives a fuck yk? It's tough out here.
I’ve been putting off getting a diagnosis as I was both lazy and maybe a lil scared. Of what, I have no idea. Perhaps it was the reality I had to face; that something was truly wrong with me. Or maybe it was the meds; that I will have to rely on medication if I wanted to feel normal. I’ve been trying to tell myself I can do it alone, without any pills, only pure strong will and a fuck ton of milk tea. But it's been years (four to be exact, about to be five holy shit) of executive dysfunction, feeling empty, lost, fatigued, overwhelmed, and paralyzed. I have to admit that I may need a little bit of external assistance.
I have two separate friends that recommended me to get checked, one of them actually did so years ago. A friend I reconnected with not too long ago shared his experiences with it, which made me reconsider once again (but still trying my best to carry myself and see how far I can get alone). But with some unforeseen recent events that happened a few days ago (a parental intervention if you will), I felt like I needed to sort this out before I hear another word about me just being a lazy daughter. This blog post from Arthur that I randomly encountered on the discovery feed also solidified my decision, as if it was a divine sign from the outside telling me that I really should just accept my situation and give in to the uncomfortable thought of needing help.
I didn't tell my parents. I’m now waiting for a call (from who I have no idea, the doctor just said someone's gonna call me while walking away simultaneously, with that actual voice fading effect and shit). I'm a little nervous but excited. I hope I finally feel a little better soon.