On how content creation ruined gaming for me
I started streaming Apex Legends in 2022 on Twitch full-time with the hopes of exploring a new venture, but the social aspect eventually drained me after months. It was a fun, memorable experience that I keep reminiscing every now and then, wondering how the hell I was able to do it everyday consistently without fail. But it developed a certain “grind” mindset in me about gaming -
“if I’m gonna play anyway, might as well make it content.”
Last year I told myself I’m gonna start venturing in video creation instead of live streaming. I had a handful of games in my backlog and a lot of time, so im sure it’ll work out.. right?
I was so lost in the damn sauce.
Streaming felt so much easier than recording a video. When you stream, you boot up the game and just play. If someone joins chat, you welcome them and talk a bit. The appeal of watching a stream is the streamer; a person you can talk to in real time, and have a great conversation with. It’s the social connection rather than the gameplay (I mean sure the game is as important, but I’m comparing what you get on stream vs recorded). There are people who lurk (an act of opening stream on your tab even without the intent to watch so you can be counted as a viewer) to support you - to show you they’re there despite not being able to chat, despite being busy or working. I loved my lurkers a lot and appreciate them. They’re the backbone of streaming.
But when you record a gaming video, you have to be more intentional with what you want it to be or else why would anyone watch it if you can’t entertain them? The environment and audience are completely different - thumbnails are important to catch attention, niches help with finding the right target audience, the metrics are simply different. The whole ecosystem is completely new and there’s a lot of adjusting to be had.
As a former Apex streamer, I struggled to move from my FPS focus to the variety/cozy game niche as that’s what I wanted to play at the time. I couldn’t decide what vibes I wanted for my videos, what style of gaming and editing, what the whole catch is basically. I didn’t want to enter without a plan or a niche as the market is saturated enough and I wanted to offer something different, but my perfectionist ass didn’t like any of the attempts I made when I tried making videos. It wasn’t interesting enough, not unique enough, not funny enough, whatever. It frustrated me that I couldn’t be satisfied with any of the videos I made, so I put it in the back burner and focused on other things.
And soon enough, I started seeing these games as tedious work. Whenever I got bored and wanted to play something new, I couldn’t touch any of the games in my “to record” list, because i still didn’t know what to do with it. I’ve formed a dumb mindset that I can’t play without making it content or else it’s a waste of time and energy. Every time I think about cozy gaming, it stresses me out. (Oh the irony lol) I can’t play games just to relax, for myself, just for the sake of it anymore.
(Funny enough, I could easily play Apex offline as I had hundreds of content already made and don’t feel as guilty with playing it for my sake. I also just record for good clips at that point and make a little reel every session. It’s the only game I’m comfortable with playing for my own interest.)
I wrote this diary entry to force myself to confront these issues and find a solution. I think I’ve been doing great in terms of navigating my emotions and executive dysfunction lately that I could finally look into the other areas of my life that I neglected and handle it without getting too overwhelmed (hopefully).
With the new mindset that I’m acquiring, I want to see where this issue leads me and what it takes to improve it. Will i be able to just stop worrying about content creation? Will I find a good balance? Will i try it again and be content with whatever I produce this time?
We’ll see how it goes in the near future.