On dreams and delusions
Guys I think I'm broken.
For some reason I keep going back and forth with content creation. I give up, three months later I'm back again. This year I promised my parents I would get a job. I told my chat that I will be quitting streaming because I need to start becoming an adult with big responsibilities. I convinced myself I was gonna apply to some job postings and just become a corporate girlie.
Or so I thought.
Three months into 2024, my brain is still whispering to me "So... what if we try content creation full-time again? This time will be different."
I thought I got rid of that hope already. I convinced myself that nothing worked for the past three years despite giving my all. I tried starting a business twice, changing my alias about 3-4 times until I settled with nnari in 2022, tried streaming and it was great until it wasn't (got burnt out, who would've thought). I made a promise with my parents that I will focus on getting a job but it's March and they're nagging me wondering why I'm still unemployed. Aside from the fact that I stopped looking after 10 postings in January to focus on my portfolio, my brain has once again completely shifted to its default delusional state. I don't know why, but I just can't stop holding onto the idea that I will become a successful content creator. There's a small part in me that believes I can actually make it if I try harder than before..
I think my biggest problem is that I quit every time I gain momentum. My first peak was when I started Webtoon creation and got 200k subscribers in 1-2 years. I had a decent following and I was growing, I had fellow artist friends, and I also sold merch of my original characters! (How cool is that??) It was all going great until I lost a close friend in the space and everything fell apart. I fell into depression, got burnt out trying, then stopped. I took a long hiatus for my mental health, which ruined the momentum I had going for myself. I couldn't come back anymore; I felt ashamed of what I had become, so I moved on.
nnari was a streamer. After years of disappearing online, I said "fuck it" and started streaming. I was so passionate in the beginning and gave it my all - streaming everyday without fail, actively plugging and promoting my links on Discord, making mutuals on Twitter, posting daily on Tiktok until I was steadily growing a following and making it into people's recommendations tab. I made friends and even quite a few bucks for the first few months. Ofcourse this only lasted for about a year or so. Socializing is one of my biggest weaknesses. I get very easily exhausted and mentally drained being around people for a long period of time and talking to them.
So eventually, I had to give up on streaming.
So why?
Why am I still clinging onto hope that I can be a content creator?
Where even is this hope coming from? The highs and peaks I reached when I was working hard? Social Media influence? Narcissism? Stubbornness?
I will admit though, I am internally confident in myself. It's quite paradoxical considering I doubt my full potential and constantly talk down on myself, but for whatever reason, I know for a fact that I can absolutely crush anything I set my mind to, given all the past experiences I've had that only ended because I self sabotaged. (That means if I stopped sabotaging my career and continue going, I will actually get somewhere, right?)
Imagine if I continued drawing Webtoons. I could've been featured (that's what Originals was called back then).
Or if I continued streaming Apex. I would've gotten better at the game and would've made friends with other content creators/pros.
I'm confident that I would've gotten farther than I've ever been if only I wasn't weak, socially inept, and easily exhausted.
It's March 2024 - a time I'm supposed to be applying to hundreds of jobs and mentally preparing myself for adult responsibilities yet here I am, thinking about what to create next.
Am I an ambitious dreamer? Or maybe I'm just delusional?
I guess we'll never know until I try again.
P.S. I hope in the future I look back at this post smiling, and say 'I made it.'