offline camp
I invented this lil personal system back when I was university. I called it the “offline camp,” a week-long attempt at being offline from most, if not all, social media platforms to be more focused and productive. It was effective back then, not so much anymore now that I’m outside of academic responsibilities, but I still reference it to this day and continue to keep trying until it works. After a depressing whole month, I finally had the courage to pick myself up mentally and try again. This week is one of those attempts.
It goes a little like this:
- log out of Twitter and Instagram
- you can only use YouTube
- you can use Pinterest for inspiration
- wake up at 5am to aim train apex
- morning routine at 8
- then work on projects
This helps me focus without the fear of serious long-term commitments like habits. It’s a nice lil system for when you want to accomplish things that require self-discipline.
the first day
I had a fulfilling first day: I did the training, filmed for my vlog, then my morning routine, then went outside to get some fresh air and brainstorm, finally designed my oc persona, drew two practice illustrations (see where I’m at with my art skills), read a book on my list, and finished with trying out two of my new games (I’m enjoying the aquarium afk so much tbh…) I feel like I did so much more than the entire last week. I was satisfied.
the apex grind
A few years ago, after feeling left behind by my irl friends in a rhythm game (called osu), I decided to dedicate a whole month of playing everyday to get better, and it worked. I thought maybe if I do the same for Apex, I could improve even just a lil bit.
Today is only the second day of this training camp and I’m already bored and exhausted (of playing apex).
I already listed down the reasons I’m doing it and why I should keep going, but I still can’t fully justify it when I’m tired or bored. Yes, I want to get better at gaming, yes I want to film games for my vlog.. but so what? What if I’m fatigued, what if I want to draw instead? Or blog? Or write? Or do something more “productive” and fulfilling. I just don’t have the energy and motivation to grind this game despite the annoying “I-wanna-improve” cycle that comes every month I play it. My brain is trying to come up with these “excuses” not to do it (is it really excuses when I want to focus on something else that I like — such as drawing and writing?) it seems like I don’t really enjoy apex the same way I enjoyed grinding osu everyday, and I’m not sure if I should just abandon this challenge or keep trying.
about habits
I realized I love the concept of habits but hate it in my personal life, at least right now that I don’t have actual big girl duties and responsibilities like school or a job. I keep trying to implement a healthy habit and lifestyle, but would always just get bored of it and resist, wanting a change of pace every month or so. This is why I feel like I have very different lifestyles and levels of productivity every month (with April and may showing signs of my degrading mental state lol). I wonder if there even is a way to live an organized and prolific life without forming habits.