Losing the war against myself
(vent scribbles; random thoughts and feelings begging to be released today)
Being so self-aware of what you’re going through as you go through it feels like hell. I woke up restless, agitated, and overwhelmed kicking my feet uncontrollably and whimpering while I lay down like I was regressing into a lil kid throwing an emotional tantrum because she can’t figure out why she’s frustrated all while being aware of what’s happening but unable to control it.
A thought just popped in my head. “How can I be an adult today?” Like my life is all an act, and breathing and eating and sleeping are the bare minimum to perform. It was as if I had no idea how to actually live a life, my life, constantly pressured by invisible instructions you never had to begin with.
How can one forget something as important as the kind of life they want to live? How can someone wake up each day feeling like someone else?
I feel “bored” of living. I relapse to bad habits when overwhelmed. I want to do what I want, but what I want changes according to the specific day, time, mood, environment, whether I like the song I’m listening to or not, and what I see. I’m imprisoned in my own ribcage.
I once attempted to share these struggles to my mother, but you can’t explain how cold the winter is to a person who’s only lived under the sun. It’s not something they can understand until they feel it themselves. Even I myself question if what I feel is real.
I am both the god and the people; the authority and the revolution, fighting for a power I don’t have control over. I am constantly at war with myself, As if I was simply living to justify my existence.
I’m taking space. Space that isn’t mine and wasn’t meant for me.
It feels like a crime.