Late night train of thought on its way to nowhere.
It's 10:24PM and I'm just feeling a little lonely. I recently made homemade burger steak patties. My brother tried it and said it was really good three times. It made me happy.
This isn't one of my typical coherent blog posts with any topic, direction, or meaning. I just feel a little lonely, that's all. And blogging lately has been quite therapeutic for me, so I thought this was the perfect outlet to scream to the void without anyone hearing me.
It's more akin to a rambling; just an endless, unorganized train of thought that I'm letting flow through my fingers and into the digital paper for the first time. No drafts, no editing, no spell checking. Just typing my feelings out as I feel it.
I'm playing Dreamy by Elijah Lee on repeat, so it's making me feel even more melancholic. If I should describe it, it takes me back to a moment of innocence; a childhood memory particularly the feeling of comfort I get when I get to finally sleep sound at night. The soft bedsheets carrying the tiny weight of my body, my pillow gently caressing the side of my face as I hug my favorite comfort teddy bear Fujino who I've had for a decade and a half. Back to the time when I could feel the night creeping in, whispering, ushering me to go to sleep. The excitement and relief I get as I lay in bed. That unexplainable cathartic feeling of rest.
I'm not particularly sad about anything right now. Today just kinda sucked, and as much as I wanted to write about it, I couldn't, as it was too personal that no words could ever describe the intense roller coaster of emotions I felt during that incident. It went on for hours, and I almost lost my mind in the most embarrassing place. Everything is better now, and I think I've been doing such a great job at managing my emotions after unexpected outbursts, as well as a visible improvement in my depressive coping mechanisms. I don't brood on my emotions for too long anymore, and have learned to breathe and calm down within an hour or two. I'm giving myself a pat in the back for that.
I have new ideas for projects again today. There's one that I want to dedicate for someone important in my life, but it'll be a big challenge as I have no idea how I'm supposed to make it into reality. I'll have to start looking into it soon (or ultimately just choose a different easier project to finish).
Sometimes I feel sorry for those who know me. I'm sorry for making you sad.
I hope my future husband, if I'd even have one, cares about what I love.
I hope he likes my poems, and my art, and it moves him.
I hope he feels love the same way I do when I see someone else's art, and admires me for who i am through that art.
I hope his heart feels full, like it's going to burst into pieces, whenever he sees me.
I hope he understands that my cracks and bruises are simply poetic tendencies.
I hope I can become his art.
I hope he loves me for today, because tomorrow I am different.
I hope the spaces in between his fingers are all mine to explore.
I'll learn how to paint sunsets so you can watch the night fall.
I want to let everything go. I want to disappear into the moon and lay on the stars.
Do you think God ever feels lonely?
Do you think God ever wonders if he is enough?
I hope that you fall asleep nice and sound tonight.
I hope you can rest your tired, sleepy eyes to the sound of rain gently knocking on your window.
I hope you dream of sweet, nostalgic memories of the moments you were truly happy.
Goodnight.