i'm afraid of someone i've never met.
You would think a person who streams with face cam on for a living would consider making friends and building communities a piece of cake, or chuckle at an obnoxious concept like social anxiety online.
after all, the internet is not a real place, right?
Well, here is a living, breathing human proof of such standing (or writing) right in front you; a pitiful portrait of a socially inept coward.
It wasn’t always like this. When I was younger, making internet friends was as easy as the elementary level Kumon math worksheets I used to do back in the day. 6 + 6 is 12, and this person likes the same comics as I do so we must be fated soulmates.
I can’t quite point my finger as to when exactly my introversion and anxiety spread and bled into my digital self, or why it even happened in the first place. I’m scrambling to find the right words to properly articulate the absurdity of it all.
Let me give you some recent specific examples of what I’m yapping about now.
Exhibit A: seeing a familiar name of a fellow small/aspiring content creator in my notifications tab indicating an interaction in my profile will have my heart thumping like it’s about to burst. My chest suddenly swirls with fear, gratitude, guilt, doubt, anxiety, happiness, and honor, all at the same time. All of a sudden I was indebted, humbled, chanting a hymn of self-deprecation while feeling unworthy and undeserving of good things in life all because of a simple social media gesture like a follow back.
Exhibit A.2, today: An insane Apex movement player that I met on Twitter recently started interacting with me and inviting me in his games. Mind you I suck ass at this game (but I love it), so playing with such a skilled person makes me feel embarrassed, ashamed, and unworthy. He messaged me in all caps (my kind of writing tbh) asking if I was back from my trip and if I wanted to play again tomorrow. My heart sank in gratitude and shame.
Exhibit C: The complete absence of communication tools in this blog. Half of the reason is the inherent nature of my posts — being raw and intimate confessions that are too embarrassing to say out loud, while the other half is my tendency to avoid any sort of confrontation or embarrassment that comes with socializing. Whether it be a good comment or a mean, nasty one, I’m afraid of what people would say.
There’s only two ways it could go:
a.) someone could reach out to me to tell me that they enjoy reading my blog and all of a sudden I am on the floor groveling at their feet feeling honored and unworthy of attention with a hint of embarrassment which will then make me stop writing out of fear of disappointing them, or,
b.) someone could potentially leave a hate comment on how stupid my posts are and I’ll feel invaded and harassed on my own personal space which will eventually lead me to deleting the whole existence of this blog.
Either way I think I’m pretty fucked, lol.
Perhaps I can attribute some of these intense emotional reactions to my inherent hyper sensitivity that I figured must be the culprit to the constant roller coaster of ever-changing emotions throughout my childhood and teenage years. After all, I am a violent product of an emotionally distant father and emotionally unstable mother, and a first-born older daughter to top it all off.
I found comfort and solace in astrology and personality tests that justify my inability to feel less, ultimately blaming it to the inevitable nature of simply being born with it - Because the stars said so.
But whatever the case,
I feel helpless and pathetic.
I’ve tried to control these crushing emotions wrapped in a pretty pink bow of adrenaline all the time. Hundreds of breathe-in, breathe-out techniques were exercised over simple incidents like mentions, comments, upvotes, compliments, and basically any other human interaction and form of internet validation that happens online. Chanting “it’s not that big of a deal” over and over doesn’t necessarily work when you have a weak heart that can’t distinguish between a fun little exciting experience vs. a fucking heart attack.
Because of this, I struggle so much with actually making friends whether it's online or off. Meeting new people is easy, but maintaining a healthy relationship is hard, especially when you feel so unworthy of love that an ounce of attention and platonic interest from any stranger can drive you insane. The tendency to over idolize anyone who interacts nicely on the same wavelength is a huge weakness I have yet to overcome. I realized soon enough that my desire to find good friends and belong in a community like the blogging and indie web spaces have to wait until I figure out a way to develop a healthy, moderate admiration towards people that inspire me.
I guess until then, all I can do is stay in the comfort of my darkness alone, gently watching and adoring everyone else in the light.
It’s such a funny thought; being afraid of strangers you've never met.