February Highlights ๑˚⊹
February just ended! It feels like I've done so much more than last month and I'm quite happy about it. The last week was a very difficult roller coaster ride of emotions though.
✦ Finally started on my portfolio!
My biggest project this month was working on my portfolio. I couldn't decide if I wanted to make it professional (focused on my works) or if I want something more personal/hybrid (includes blogs and personal musings). I really enjoyed coding and relearning HTML/CSS! It gave me so much dopamine that there were days I ended up coding the whole day! My passion for coding reignited by web development and I might seriously consider taking this path. I love the problem solving, the googling, the moment of understanding, especially when something finally works after so many trial and errors! My goals for this project shifted every week as I think of new ideas and change plans. Originally I wanted to publish it by the end of the month, but then I kept changing the layout and the content, so I knew it will take some time for me to be satisfied with what I want to publish.
✦ A thought to go back to school..
One of the biggest thoughts I had this month was if I should return back to school. When I pitched this idea to my parents, they were against it and the conversation with them ended. After that I haven't really decided if I want to pursue it. There's a lot of difficulties and struggles, especially financially. Moving to Vancouver is expensive! But I thought it'll be okay as long as I save enough and I'm going to get some student loans again.. I really loved the idea of moving out for a year to work on my career and study in an environment. I will be forced to live life again, and even better because I'll be doing it in a brand new unfamiliar city! Oh the wonders and adventures I could've had! The perfect time to vlog my experiences! Oh how fun (once I ignore all the financial troubles..)! I've put it in the backburner for now. I guess I will focus on my original plan of moving out this year instead.
✦ Discovering the RSS Feed
I know I'm very late to the party, but I recently discovered how RSS feeds work (yes, after years of being online...) and I'm so happy. I've slowly been replacing my dreadful Twitter doom-scrolling with intentional blog hopping, like reading a thoughtfully written and personal newspaper in the morning. I love learning more about people's lives; it's just so interesting to get to know a stranger that I'll probably never meet through what they choose to share in their own little corner of the internet. They also inspire me to write my own thoughts and create my own blog (for sure this time!), and of course, reading so many different types of writing inspires me to develop my own.
✦ Reconnected with an old friend
I recently met up with an old friend from university. I don't usually keep in contact with a lot of acquaintances due to my very low social battery and unwillingness to start and keep conversations, but he's a really chill dude who reaches out first and tries his best to keep the connection despite my constant online disappearances. It was real nice to see him again. He's still the same old reliable and articulate friend. I'll try to slowly open up more and connect with old colleagues again soon.
✦ An underwhelming second anniversary..
My second stream anniversary was last February 15, but sadly I couldn't do anything special due to my period and laziness. The most I did was stream late at night at 8pm (impromptu Apex!), but it was still fun. Surprisingly, I was met with a nice feeling instead of the usual dreadful thought of "why am i still doing this." Yashy, Eric, and Jordan were active on chat, so I got to someone to talk to every now and then. I got joined by a few peeps in game as well. Overall it was a pretty chill experience and I'm glad I didn't feel empty and sad afterwards. In fact, I really like that calm feeling of just vibing. I wish I could have more of those moments.. Anyway, I guess I was okay with not celebrating it because.. I haven't been streaming lately anyway. It wouldn't make any difference. I'm not "a full-time streamer" anymore.. but I'm not sad about it. I will move forward and pursue other great things. I have a lot in my pocket anyway.
✦ More blog hopping & recent favorites
I've been obsessing over Chia's websites and blog lately. She's such a huge inspiration to me with the type of artist I want to become. Her persona and projects inspire me to keep creating art and content, her blogs are insightful and interesting to read.. I'm so happy I came across her website.
✦ A new season for Apex
New Season for Apex just dropped! All new mechanics were introduced. The first game wasn't very fun tbh.. but I can see why a lot of people found it fun and refreshing. I wonder if this is the season we grind rank?! Getting to plat is one of my random goals for the year, so hopefully. I have so many games I wanna grind and play this year.
✦ A new idea for a Terraria gameplay
After browsing through different sites, I came across Meixin's really cool Animal Crossing shrine and it gave me an idea to do something similar in Terraria. I want to create a new world and decorate it all! A fully functioning themed world where there are attractions in every corner! I've really thought long and hard on the different amenities and features it can have, and the system on how I can introduce more people into my world and play with them. It's in the backburner for now after Animal Crossing took up all my gaming time lately.
✦ Finally, Animal Crossing!
I finally tried Animal Crossing! I have some thoughts and mixed feelings about it as time went on. In the beginning it was very relaxing. All I did was chill and fish and occasionally catch bugs. I found it to be the perfect calming night activity before I go to bed and concluded that the simplicity and slowness helped me become more patient and mindful of my time. I only needed an hour to play after all, and didn't feel any rush or stress. After progressing more and more, I found myself grinding and mentally making a list of things to do, and each time I do an hour turns into two, and so on. I mean, don't get me wrong it's fun and addicting, and I can understand the gameplay loop that I found myself commending them for the solid mechanics and hook, but after awhile it became stressful to play because I have to plan so much and it took more time than I'd like. Right now I'm looking for my 8th villager from Mystery Islands and I have certain characters I'd like to have. It's very frustrating every time I waste 2k miles for a random character I don't like. The RNG aspect makes me feel like a gambling addict, constantly trying to get my "win." It doesn't help that there's a certain timer after placing the plotted land that could potentially be filled on its own. I don't plan on time skipping so I'm gonna have to painstakingly wait for days to pass to get campers in my village... wish me luck..
✦ Miscellaneous Musings
The last week of February hit me like a truck. For about 3 days that felt like 3 years, I was experiencing the most depressing shit out of absolutely nowhere. I felt irritable, angry, empty, sad, doomed, lonely, frustrated, and melancholic all at the same time. I was very moody and emotionally unstable that if you tried to talk to me I will verbally hit you and crush you with solid rocks. I felt so.. scared. I couldn't control how I felt; the random bursts of anger and lashing out of the blue despite being fully aware and conscious that I shouldn't be doing so yet seemingly unable to do anything about it. I randomly cried in front of my computer out of nowhere, and I haven't done that in years. I tried to soothe myself with my typical coping mechanisms in which I learned to associate certain things with comfort, like getting myself my comfort food and drink, but the irony is money is one of my biggest stress right now and I couldn't afford to buy those to relieve it. A truly ridiculous cycle. It was a very stressful week, but thankfully it's dying down a little. I hope to come back stronger next time (with better coping mechanisms lol).